okay lets talk about feelings i've got three. three big, golden feelings, crested by angel wings and delivered unto me via my shitty stupid heart.
emotion number one, The Black Knight: first kiss happened? weird. weird stuff emotion number two, The Red Lady: hermes costello? emotion number three, The White Witch: GOD I'M SO LONELY AND I WANT TO RELATIONSHIP
it seems that emotion one and two may have some similarities, so let's focus on these.
assuming i am cracking the magnificent code you have placed before me you have experienced your first kiss and are confused. may i ask who it was? and, if not, could you explain what happened and how you felt?
ok so i got KISSED HARD but it wasnt something i wanted for various nefarious reasons (nefarious because i am a nefarious person; the reasons themselves were above board and nonnefarious in nature) and i said so and it was ok but shes my BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!! what if everything is terrible now
ok well don't make typos anymore as i am a naive prince who takes everything very seriously i would be SUCH a good protag in a lady's erotica novella. taken advantage of by a rogueish knight or a conniving assassin please commission this for me and deliver it by cock's crow
okay also, i don't know how to explain this or if this is supposed to be a secret so don't tell anyone, but despite being my age and being super compatible to me she is stuck in the body of a sixteen year old, and it is difficult for me to view her as anything other than a sixteen year old, which renders her someone i am not capable of being romantically drawn to for reference, i have crushes on literally everyone i meet for the first time if they are grown-ass adults, and my standards are super low. there is a 900% chance i had a crush on you when we first met, even though you are an old man with a heavy and sad religion my standards are super low!! but this is not something i can get past, and also it doesn't even matter, because she told me it didn't mean anything?
but also, emotion 3, the white witch i think i called her. or him. them. witches are gender-neutral: i'm an unlikeable human being and yet someone liked me and all it did is make me sad that nobody else is ever going to like me and i'm never going to have a relationship because of my stupid personality
odin, i remain a priest which means i am unable to commission lewd works of my friends regardless of the sound of any cock.
i will also ignore most of what you said off topic, regarding me and your standards, for both our sakes, in order to commend you on taking her age into account. if it were as simple as this i would say you have your answer and must tell her you cannot be more than friends, but now you're saying something about gender-neutral beings.
please go back to why this doesn't mean anything. though i will say this: you are wrong, other people will like you, you are young and vibrant. you are a good man. you should not settle for any affection thrown your way, you should only accept affection you find yourself returning. you are worth this, and your tendency to assume the worst does not change it.
now, why must you be in a relationship to be content? another important point.
oh, it doesn't mean anything because she just wanted to smooch me up. we were having a really good time and she really liked me and said i was the best human being she ever met and then that happened. i don't think it was a love confession. i think it was just her being fooled into thinking i am cool and was then thusly irresistibly drawn to my hot hot body, which, despite my constant insecurities about my terrible personality and worthless existence, is something i am aware of as my greatest strength. pucci, my sexy human frame is greatly sexcellent.
i wanna settle for affection though!! not with my friend but just in general. everyone is so fun and nice. it's not like i need to be in a relationship to be happy! but i am twenty three years old and i have not even held my first hand. i would like to hold a hand, and make special presents for the person i love, who would be rich and attractive and tall. and also i would like to have WICKED SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX with a HOT HOT HOT HOT HOTTIE
i'm sure you can find someone who would gladly create pornography of you, odin. typically the church frowns on this but i will wish you the best, my friend.
please do not use the term 'sexcellent'
that aside, i again take offense to your derogatory comments about yourself and believe you should address the root of them. why do you feel this way? how are you tricking anyone? why does the affection of another make you feel guilty?
ah, well you are that age. odin, before we go any further do you know what a condom is?
i think priests would make for good erotica. they are forbidden fruit. i mean, not you, specifically, but i think just in general if a priest hooked up with something nefarious and dark like a villain or a monster or a vampire, it would be really hot. not you, obviously. i know that's not your scene.
if you bar me from using the term sexcellent, man oh man will i ever come up with worse things! like bonetastic, which is like bombastic not fantastic so the pun still works. or... unpenislievable. hey? i regret this
anyway i just feel guilty because i'm a bad person and i lie all the time and if anyone likes me it's because they think i'm really energetic and cool when i'm actually not at all. i try so hard to act fun and cool so that people will like me, even though i am neither fun nor cool. also i don't really deserve love. i mean i let my parents die. i know we went back and saved them but i let my parents die. aaaaand so. y'know.
i don't wanna talk about my dead dead parents when i wanna talk about holding hands and makin' boners. TEACH ME ABOUT CONDOMS.
odin, you have a vast and troubling imagination. please do not call priests 'forbidden fruit.' what you read or imagine in the safety of your thoughts and privacy is between you and God. and He is forgiving. though going to mass wouldn't hurt.
i also regret it, but i have moved on. we must accept the suffering fate bestows us.
odin, what punishment will be enough for you, for these crimes you believe you have committed? your many friends who went through the same, would you condemn them for 'letting their parents die?'
so you don't know what they are. very well. i think it's important you learn about safe sex. generally the church believes in abstinence, and not to waste the seed of life in such a way. personally i believe we must walk our own paths, and being prepared for any turn it takes is the closest to peace we can achieve. now, as i was saying, condoms are a barrier made of a plastic-like material, which is placed on the erect penis, covering it like a glove. it's used to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, though it is not 100% safe. still, it is far, far safer than unprotected sex.
this is important, odin. if you're going to possibly pursue an active sexual lifestyle you owe it to yourself and your partner to do so safely. there are other methods other than condoms but we will focus on those for now.
O, LADY OF THE NIGHT, I BESEECH THEE/THOU/THOUMST/YE'MST: ABSOLVE THYSELF FROM THOUMST'STS THRONE AND GRANT ME IN THIS MOMENT BUT A SLIVER OF YOUR POWER SO THAT I MIGHT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE WITH THIS CONVERSATION
ok. i have been given blessings by the night lady. she said stop talking to odin about penis tents, please. she also said please remember that this is odin you are talking to, and that even if he thinks sex would be wicked sweet, he is a stupid shy man who can't, again, even hold a hand. this is unnecessary information, not only because odin is shy and doesn't want to hear it, but because by nature of odin's general personality, it just it aint happenin the sex
odin, it is my duty as your friend and comrade to make sure you are prepared. i am sure you did not believe you would be experiencing your first kiss, yet here we are, discussing it.
now, if you prefer i can send you pamphlets, but the important thing is to know how to put on the 'penis tent,' as you put it. i'll leave you to figure out size, as i have no interest in the road that discussion will take us, but the rest of the information is simple enough.
[here he's linked a bunch of colorful videos of friendly sex ed teachers putting condoms on a banana. you're welcome, i did not have it in me to ask deca if dio had a fucking condom and a banana around.]
do you understand? pinching the tip of the condom is the key.
[ okay well odin is still in the middle of a halloween party right now, so i guess he's just watching loud sex-ed videos on peter's lawn with other guests mulling around, presumably overhearing it or at least noticing odin staring very intently at his screen. that's good ]
to be fair my first kiss was kind of sprung on me. i don't think i'm going to experience that spontaneity ever again, let alone in such an advanced and sexy way. there is no hot dude or breasty lady just waiting to corner me in the bar so they may whip out their dongs and/or other attachments right all up in my face with a cheeky wink and a "hey, how about it." this temple will remain unsullied, even if not by choice. and there is literally no other circumstance in which i will ever bone down, because i am a gutless baby.
BY THE WAY, I HAVE A HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE DONG. THREE HUNDRED FEET LONG. tell everyone, please.
oh, right, we were talking about that. okay, well, first, that question about my friends - i lost my parents in a way that was directly my fault, but other people didn't, so comparatively it is very different.
and i just think i'm not a lovable person. i wish i had a better explanation. i don't know if it's something you can argue out of me or something i can stop myself from thinking because it really just is what it is. like, okay, here's how it works: back in ylisse, when i lost everyone, i tried very hard to act heroic and big and cool, because if i didn't i would die, and if i was a coward i didn't deserve to be alive let alone be a prince, and if i didn't get my shit in order my country and my people and my world would all fall. but then the heroing was done, so when i had an opportunity to reinvent myself, i fell back on being melodramatic and heroic and stuff but in like a different way. because it's fun! i have a lot of fun with it, and i like expressing myself by being stylish and funny. but. even though i tell myself it makes people happy or makes them laugh i don't think it does half the time. i think it is just an annoying front to a lot of people and even when i can see myself doing something annoying, i don't stop because i'm having fun and being myself and maybe still capable of making whomever i'm annoying be happy. because i am clowning around and stuff. but like every night i just look at everything i said and did and i just get sort of embarrassed. like i used to be embarrassed basically 100% of the time and now it's more like 30% but that's still a lot of time to be embarrassed and dislike the person who you are.
i don't know IF I'M MAKING SENSE PUCCI! I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT CHOKING MY PENIS WITH PLASTIC! IT'S SO WEIRD! WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT! I'D RATHER JUST USE A SPELL
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emotion number one, The Black Knight: first kiss happened? weird. weird stuff
emotion number two, The Red Lady: hermes costello?
emotion number three, The White Witch: GOD I'M SO LONELY AND I WANT TO RELATIONSHIP
which villain are we felling first
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assuming i am cracking the magnificent code you have placed before me you have experienced your first kiss and are confused. may i ask who it was?
and, if not, could you explain what happened and how you felt?
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what?
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nvm
οΈ΅Ι·β ΰΌ½β οΈ΅
ok so i got KISSED HARD but it wasnt something i wanted for various nefarious reasons (nefarious because i am a nefarious person; the reasons themselves were above board and nonnefarious in nature) and i said so and it was ok
but shes my BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!! what if everything is terrible now
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i believe this is called a 'typo,' my apologies. i meant one and three.
so your friend kissed you, which you did not want. for nonnefarious nefarious reasons.
you don't care for her romantically then? have you ruminated on this?
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i would be SUCH a good protag in a lady's erotica novella. taken advantage of by a rogueish knight or a conniving assassin
please commission this for me and deliver it by cock's crow
okay also, i don't know how to explain this or if this is supposed to be a secret so don't tell anyone,
but despite being my age and being super compatible to me she is stuck in the body of a sixteen year old, and it is difficult for me to view her as anything other than a sixteen year old, which renders her someone i am not capable of being romantically drawn to
for reference, i have crushes on literally everyone i meet for the first time if they are grown-ass adults, and my standards are super low. there is a 900% chance i had a crush on you when we first met, even though you are an old man with a heavy and sad religion
my standards are super low!!
but this is not something i can get past, and also it doesn't even matter, because she told me it didn't mean anything?
but also, emotion 3, the white witch i think i called her. or him. them. witches are gender-neutral:
i'm an unlikeable human being and yet someone liked me and all it did is make me sad that nobody else is ever going to like me and i'm never going to have a relationship because of my stupid personality
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i will also ignore most of what you said off topic, regarding me and your standards, for both our sakes, in order to commend you on taking her age into account.
if it were as simple as this i would say you have your answer and must tell her you cannot be more than friends, but now you're saying something about gender-neutral beings.
please go back to why this doesn't mean anything.
though i will say this: you are wrong, other people will like you, you are young and vibrant. you are a good man. you should not settle for any affection thrown your way, you should only accept affection you find yourself returning. you are worth this, and your tendency to assume the worst does not change it.
now, why must you be in a relationship to be content? another important point.
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oh, it doesn't mean anything because she just wanted to smooch me up. we were having a really good time and she really liked me and said i was the best human being she ever met and then that happened.
i don't think it was a love confession. i think it was just her being fooled into thinking i am cool and was then thusly irresistibly drawn to my hot hot body, which, despite my constant insecurities about my terrible personality and worthless existence, is something i am aware of as my greatest strength.
pucci,
my sexy human frame is greatly sexcellent.
i wanna settle for affection though!! not with my friend but just in general.
everyone is so fun and nice.
it's not like i need to be in a relationship to be happy!
but i am twenty three years old and i have not even held my first hand.
i would like to hold a hand, and make special presents for the person i love, who would be rich and attractive and tall.
and also i would like to have WICKED SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX with a HOT HOT HOT HOT HOTTIE
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please do not use the term 'sexcellent'
that aside, i again take offense to your derogatory comments about yourself and believe you should address the root of them.
why do you feel this way? how are you tricking anyone? why does the affection of another make you feel guilty?
ah, well you are that age.
odin, before we go any further do you know what a condom is?
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i mean, not you, specifically,
but i think just in general if a priest hooked up with something nefarious and dark like a villain or a monster or a vampire, it would be really hot.
not you, obviously.
i know that's not your scene.
if you bar me from using the term sexcellent, man oh man will i ever come up with worse things!
like bonetastic, which is like bombastic not fantastic so the pun still works. or... unpenislievable.
hey? i regret this
anyway i just feel guilty because i'm a bad person and i lie all the time and if anyone likes me it's because they think i'm really energetic and cool when i'm actually not at all.
i try so hard to act fun and cool so that people will like me, even though i am neither fun nor cool.
also i don't really deserve love. i mean i let my parents die.
i know we went back and saved them but i let my parents die.
aaaaand so.
y'know.
i don't wanna talk about my dead dead parents when i wanna talk about holding hands and makin' boners.
TEACH ME ABOUT CONDOMS.
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what you read or imagine in the safety of your thoughts and privacy is between you and God.
and He is forgiving.
though going to mass wouldn't hurt.
i also regret it, but i have moved on.
we must accept the suffering fate bestows us.
odin, what punishment will be enough for you, for these crimes you believe you have committed?
your many friends who went through the same, would you condemn them for 'letting their parents die?'
so you don't know what they are. very well.
i think it's important you learn about safe sex. generally the church believes in abstinence, and not to waste the seed of life in such a way.
personally i believe we must walk our own paths, and being prepared for any turn it takes is the closest to peace we can achieve.
now, as i was saying, condoms are a barrier made of a plastic-like material, which is placed on the erect penis, covering it like a glove.
it's used to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, though it is not 100% safe. still, it is far, far safer than unprotected sex.
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there are other methods other than condoms but we will focus on those for now.
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ok. i have been given blessings by the night lady.
she said stop talking to odin about penis tents, please.
she also said please remember that this is odin you are talking to, and that even if he thinks sex would be wicked sweet, he is a stupid shy man who can't, again, even hold a hand.
this is unnecessary information, not only because odin is shy and doesn't want to hear it, but because by nature of odin's general personality, it just
it aint happenin
the sex
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i am sure you did not believe you would be experiencing your first kiss, yet here we are, discussing it.
now, if you prefer i can send you pamphlets, but the important thing is to know how to put on the 'penis tent,' as you put it.
i'll leave you to figure out size, as i have no interest in the road that discussion will take us, but the rest of the information is simple enough.
[here he's linked a bunch of colorful videos of friendly sex ed teachers putting condoms on a banana. you're welcome, i did not have it in me to ask deca if dio had a fucking condom and a banana around.]
do you understand? pinching the tip of the condom is the key.
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to be fair my first kiss was kind of sprung on me.
i don't think i'm going to experience that spontaneity ever again, let alone in such an advanced and sexy way.
there is no hot dude or breasty lady just waiting to corner me in the bar so they may whip out their dongs and/or other attachments right all up in my face with a cheeky wink and a "hey, how about it."
this temple will remain unsullied, even if not by choice.
and there is literally no other circumstance in which i will ever bone down, because i am a gutless baby.
BY THE WAY, I HAVE A HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE DONG. THREE HUNDRED FEET LONG.
tell everyone, please.
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do you understand how to use a condom even if you do not believe it will be necessary?
once that is settled we can talk more of this emotion 3.
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i don't know what to do with the banana though?
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understood
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why do you believe you are inherently unlovable?
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okay, well, first, that question about my friends -
i lost my parents in a way that was directly my fault, but other people didn't, so comparatively it is very different.
and i just think i'm not a lovable person. i wish i had a better explanation.
i don't know if it's something you can argue out of me or something i can stop myself from thinking because it really just is what it is.
like, okay, here's how it works:
back in ylisse, when i lost everyone, i tried very hard to act heroic and big and cool, because if i didn't i would die, and if i was a coward i didn't deserve to be alive let alone be a prince, and if i didn't get my shit in order my country and my people and my world would all fall.
but then the heroing was done, so when i had an opportunity to reinvent myself, i fell back on being melodramatic and heroic and stuff but in like a different way.
because it's fun! i have a lot of fun with it, and i like expressing myself by being stylish and funny.
but.
even though i tell myself it makes people happy or makes them laugh i don't think it does half the time.
i think it is just an annoying front to a lot of people and even when i can see myself doing something annoying, i don't stop because i'm having fun and being myself and maybe still capable of making whomever i'm annoying be happy. because i am clowning around and stuff.
but like every night i just look at everything i said and did and i just get sort of embarrassed.
like i used to be embarrassed basically 100% of the time and now it's more like 30% but that's still a lot of time to be embarrassed and dislike the person who you are.
i don't know IF I'M MAKING SENSE PUCCI! I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT CHOKING MY PENIS WITH PLASTIC! IT'S SO WEIRD! WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT! I'D RATHER JUST USE A SPELL
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